Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
I made it all the way to 16 weeks 4 days without any problems or freak outs regarding pregnancy. I have kept my IF brain quiet and have just enjoyed being pregnant. I even kept my mind away from all the scary what-ifs and just lived in the moment, happy that all was well.
Last Sunday at 16+1, we even went for an elective ultrasound and found out that this little one is a girl! All was well with baby girl and she looked excellent on the u/s. We even watched her play with her hands and face for a bit. It was awesome. On Monday, I ordered a huge lot of girl clothes, cloth diapers and a Giant's onesie. Everything was happy and good and I was feeling so comfortable with how things are going.
Things changed on Thursday. I did a lot more than I normally do, because everything is all good. I went grocery shopping, carried a 30 lb bag of dog food, pulled orders, made lunch and then felt super tired.
I decided to veg out on the couch for a bit and after an hour some cramping started. Mild at first and then getting worse and worse. My the time DH came home a few hours later I was in a ton of pain. I got up to go to the bathroom, thinking that as long as I didn't see blood I was ok. And what did I see? Blood. A lot of freaking blood. I panicked and yelled for DH to take me to the hospital, now.
The hospital was crazy busy and we couldn't see a doctor for a while but the triage nurse took pity on me and dragged an ER doc out into the hallway to talk to me. He said that regardless of what was going on, there was nothing they could do because I'm under 20 weeks (which was incredibly upsetting to me) but, he said we could start with an ultrasound to see if baby is still viable and that he could order the u/s even before I got a bed in the ER. Dh and I said "Yes please" in unison.
When we got into the u/s suite, the tech asked us what was going on and I filled her in. She was so nice and after putting the wand on my belly, she turned the screen towards us and said, "you didn't see this from me!" And there was put little girl, heartbeat strong, moving all over the place and even playing with her little feet. The tech went on to do a full anatomy scan and said that baby looked awesome in every way. We were so relieved.
We went back to the waiting room and waited for the doc to call us back. When we were finally called back after hours of waiting, we talked to the doc and he said that because baby looked so good and because my cervix looked good on the u/s, he didn't see the need in doing a pelvic because it could cause more problems. Because I am A- he wanted me to get a rhogam shot so we were gonna be stuck there for a while. I asked to use the bathroom and was allowed and when I was in there thw bleeding has worsened. A lot. It was a steady stream of blood coming put of me. I. Was. Horrified. Scared for me and baby girl. Worried this meant something had changed, it was terrifying. I went back and told the nurse and she got the doc. He said he needed to do a pelvic to be sure my cervix was closed. Thankfully it was and was high and thick, which was a big relief. At this point he said we had a 50/50 chance of things continuing to be ok. He said baby looked great and my cervix was closed and that was the best we could ask for. As to whether or not things would stay that way? Only time will tell.
I was instructed to call my OB in the morning and ordered on strict bed rest, up to pee only, given the rhogam shot and sent on my way with best wishes.
Dh and I were exhausted and after caring for the ranch (well after he cared for the ranch) we were off to sleep.
In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed, even to pee. I told dh, I was scared to see more blood and scared to move and hurt the baby. Really, I was just plain scared. After hugs, kisses and reassurance from dh, I got up and found I was only spotting old blood, thank God. I called my OB, left a message and waited for them to call back.
After a few hours, I decided to call them. I still can't get over how that conversation went. The short version? The nurse told me she had no plans to call me back because the doctor wasn't there and wouldn't be in until November. My WTF was on so many levels. I practically had to pry out of her that I should try and call another practice. Yeah, I'd be calling another practice all right. And finding a new doctor's office.
So that's what I did and got in to see George Costanza ' s look-alike that afternoon. The nurse had to do a little fibbing to get me in without an intake appointment but she is an angel for making it work. The doc was great and has worked with lots of IVF mom's, he kept saying, "You are a special mom and everything you feel is important. This may be the only shot you have so we are going to make it count." It was such a relief to have a doc who understood that we weren't just in the position to make another human if this didn't work out. He GOT it.
Overall he said that it could be SCH or it could be something else and that we may never know what caused the bleed but that it was important to focus on the positives: baby looks good and so does my cervix. He also said all we can do is wait and see but he seemed confident that everything looks good for now. He Also made it clear that I could call and come in anytime. He said he'd rather see me for nothing than have me worrying. That was a huge relief. Huge. It was so nice to hear that he would be accessible. So far, with the other OB, I was not given that impression. He said to take it easy and take bed rest precautions. If the bleeding returned, bed rest for two weeks, if not, just a few days and then pelvic rest and no exercise or anything strenuous until told otherwise. I went home, still worried but feeling like at least we are in good hands.
Cue Saturday morning bleeding. I woke up at five to pee and when I wiped? More blood mixed with old blood. Damnit. I headed to the living room to tell dh, who promptly set me up on the couch near him. The doc had said the call if it filled a pad but it was no where near as bad as Thursday and never filled a pad but it was still terrifying. Not ER worthy and not even doc phone call worthy but still, just no. No good. I listened to baby girl with the doppler and she sounded good so I went back to sleep. What else could I do? When I woke up a few hours later I did what any good IFer does; I researched. What is going on with me and my baby? Is she gonna make it? Did I do something wrong? Is there something is can do to make it right?
How do I protect my little miracle who I love more than I ever thought I could love anything who I haven't even met yet?
After hours of reading, I am fairly convinced this is an SCH. Now, I know I am no doctor, but I can read and identify symptoms and I have every single one. It all makes sense. What is really concerning thpugh, is that while most SCH resolve on their own and things end up ok, sch in 2nd tri offers a less optimistic outcome. They often end in stillbirth or miscarriage. That being said, I haven't had an u/s since 9 weeks so it's possible it's been there the whole time as opposed to having just developed. Either way, it's scary and I'm terrified things are going to keep going downhill.
I'm so scared I'm gonna lose my little girl.
So here I lay, on bed rest, knowing that there are no studies that say it helps but knowing that it is the only thing I can do to feel like I am doing something to help my little girl. I listen to her quickly every day (DH asked the OB if it was ok and he said it was) just to reassure myself that she's still with me because now, every flutter, every twinge is terrifying. Things that used to reassure me that she is growing, now make me scared that something is wrong. Everything freaking scares me and it sucks. I can't get back to my happy place. :(
Pregnancy is freaking scary.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Ok, sorry for the non-sequitur! Since our announcement does not have our faces in it, I figure, what's the harm in posting it here? :) I love it and I am so excited to share!
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
I have a very sensitive va-jay-jay and get a BV like response to even the gentlest lubes. If I change tampon brands, I get BV and I've had a BV like response (TMI alert: clear, runny discharge and fishy smell) the entire time I've been on it. It's embarrassing and makes me want to puke every time I use the bathroom, which is really fun when already suffering from morning sickness. So, I am extremely happy to be done with the stuff.
Onto the fun stuff, I guess it's best to do this in a list:
Symptoms: I am so sick. I've been taking diclegis for a couple of weeks and while it helps with the nausea, it sometimes does not stop the actual vomiting. Last week, I had one day in which I couldn't keep anything down. Nawt fun. I've been told that it should start easing up soon but honestly, it just seems to be getting worse. I throw up, at least, every other day. My boobs are gigantic and my waistline is expanding. I'm tired, of course and have started getting headaches in the evening. BUT, I've read that the more harsh your symptoms, the better the baby is doing, so I am embracing them.
Bump: I do have the start of a bump. DH thinks it's because I am so thin, the baby has no where to go but out! It's not noticeable in a picture, yet, but I can definitely see and feel it!
Other info: We have an OB appointment next Tuesday so I will update after that and let everyone know how I am doing!
Monday, August 17, 2015
I am not totally sure yet, what I am going to do with this blog. Much like in other areas of my online life, I don't want to be a reminder to my friends of what they don't have yet, which is why I have been pretty quiet. But, I also don't want this to be one of those blogs that just ends. So, for now, I think I will just continue to silently root on my fellow IF friends and bloggers and occasionally update what is going on here. There is a good chance I will create a blog separate from this one for my pregnancy but I have yet to do so.
Without further ado:
How far along are you: 8 weeks, 2 days
Recent appointments? Yes, on the 10th we had our first u/s and baby was measuring perfectly with a perfect little flutter beat that we got to see! Next appointment is the 24th at which I will get my weaning schedule for crinone, estradiol and PIO. I don't mind the PIO and estradiol so much but I hate the crinone so I will be glad to be done with that!
Symptoms: Nausea, like all the time. I don't get hungry any more, I get nauseous and then when I eat, I get nauseous again! My boobs are also huge and I am tired all the time. With the nausea, I just try to remind myself that it is a good thing. There have been a few days here and there when I've gone the whole day without feeling sick and I panic and welcome the sickness when it returns!
Bump: DH thinks I already have one but really it's just bloat from the PIO. I look like most ladies look at 12 weeks!
Cravings/Aversions: I want all the carbs, ALL of them! And I cannot stand the sight or smell of meat, especially uncooked meat: YUCK. I try very hard to eat it anyway but it is tough. Mostly I drink shakes (kale, spinach, yogurt, banana, berries, melon, juice etc.) and eat egg, cheese and bagel sandwiches and eat lots of crackers and chips.
Anything fun or interesting? DH makes me breakfast in bed, every day. He is so cute!
Friday, July 31, 2015
I've been surprised at my ability to push out all the scary thoughts. I decided, once I saw the first test with a second line that I was just going to celebrate my pregnancy. I was not going to dwell on fears or what-ifs, I was going to be happy that I am pregnant, take good care of myself and think positive thoughts. So far, I've only had a few scary thoughts creep into my mind and I've managed to push them away. I am pregnant, happy and excited.
We told my parents and sisters and my BFF (mostly because my parents were here during IVF and FET and both of my sisters knew what was going on too) but haven't told DH's mom yet. TBH, neither of us trusts her to not tell other people so we are waiting until at least after the first u/s to tell her. It's kind of hard because she lives down the street but I've been avoiding any talk about IF treatment with her and DH has been intervening as much as possible. Also, DH has decided that he no longer wants anything to do with his drug addict sister and brother and she is still in contact with them and he doesn't trust her not to share our news with them.
In other news, we've decided to do a DNA test for DH to find out his heritage. He is adopted and what little info his parents were given, they've never passed on to him. I am Irish to the core and celebrate my heritage and DH doesn't want to have to tell our baby(ies) that they are Irish and who knows what else. TBH, I have always thought that DH is Cuban. He was born in Florida and most definitely is not a white boy, it's the only thing that has ever made sense to me. We are both really excited to find out his background. :)
So, that's all my news for now! I am still adjusting to not being a part of the IF community anymore, which has been a bit of an adjustment. I miss my girls and am rooting for them like crazy but from a distance now, which is hard. I pray that they can all join me on the other side, soon.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
DH and I just stared at the frozen image of our transfer on the screen, held each other and cried. DH is too cute, he made me a bed in the back of our SUV so I could comfortably lay down the whole drive home (2 hours) and I immediately hit the couch when we got home. My RE says bed rest for three days so I am binge watching and laying around which is harder than it sounds. I'd love to get up and go for a walk!
Late Thursday night I got some pretty severe cramps that freaked me out and woke me from a dead sleep but after about 20 minutes, they went away. Yesterday, I just felt twinges but today, the cramps are back with a vengeance and feel like AF cramps.
What scares me is that today is the day AF would normally arrive. So having AF cramps is scary. I am absolutely terrified and every time I go to the bathroom I am afraid I am going to see blood. I think all these meds (PIO, Estradiol, Crinone) should keep my period away but why have I been cramping all day? I am gonna loose it if AF shows today before my embabies have even had a chance. I'll feel like I killed them. :(
Please send me prayers and sticky vibes, I am kind of freaking out!
Monday, June 22, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Four is under the projected average for my age. Four means only two FETs. These four are our only shot. We can't afford another round of IVF, this was our only chance.
Thankfully, my nurse called back on Thursday morning and said that two more had made it to blast over night and were frozen that morning. PHEW! I don't know why I am so relieved by six instead of four but I am. I am so happy with our six!
The only thing I am unhappy about is that we have never spoken to the embryologist and we have to wait until my baseline appointment, after I get my period (hopefully today) before we find out the grades and quality of our frozen little peanuts.
But for now, I am reveling in our six and hoping that these cramps mean AF will be here ASAP.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
This is a long time coming, sorry I haven't given any updates yet. To recap, we're in the midst of our first IVF cycle. I've been taking 225 of Gonal F and 75 of Menopur (oh the burning!) along with 10 of Lupron, every day for the last 12 days.
Last Saturday I went in for my first monitoring appointment. There was a lot of activity on my right side but none of the follicles were very big. I think my largest on the right side was only 12 at that time and l the left side was rocking some 13s and 14s. So the nurse practitioner decided to cancel my Sunday appointment. I was kind of bummed because we had decided to stay in Reno for the whole weekend due to the fact that I had appointments on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. We talked about just going home but since we had already paid for our room, we decided to just stay til Monday.
As far as the Reno trip went it was pretty fun, we didn't do a lot of gambling because we don't have a lot of extra money but we each had $20 for the weekend and played a lot of penny slots and pretty much broke even. We each lost and then won enough to make the $20 last the whole trip! :)
At Monday's appointment the NP upset me because she seemed to be suggestimg, at first, that nothing had changed on my right side. She should have kept her mouth shut until she finished checking all of the follies! I had 14 on my right side between 10 and 15.5! A bunch of smaller ones had grown a lot so she thought the first few that she measured were the original larger follies from Saturday's scan. On my left side I had 6 between 15 and 17. By this time I was already pretty uncomfortable and the discomfort along with the inability to sleep in the hotel beds made me pretty emotional. I was also really upset by the way the nurse had, at first, made it sound like things weren't going well. Plus, Monday was supposed to be my trigger day and I was sick if poking myself, I just didn't want to do it anymore, so by the time we got to the car I was sobbing. I couldn't contain myself, I just cried and cried. Poor DH was shocked because the overall tone of the appointment was that things were going great!
Since we only had the hotel room until Monday and we really needed to get back for our company I had to drive back to Reno on Tuesday morning for another scan. Things were still progressing great but my RE wanted to give it one more day so we could try and get every last follie. So it was back home, (two hours) only to return again on Wednesday. Thanks to some donated meds, I had enough of everything to get through Tuesday but not enough Menopur for Wednesday so the clinic gave me a vial instead of making me order it. I was SO appreciative! The cost of driving back and forth all the time has really added up and we are down to only pennies left.
At this point I am SO uncomfortable. And emotional. And a bit overreactive. But I made the drive again, early this morning and it was worth it. My RE was super excited and kept saying that everything is perfect during my scan. He even said that he wished all of his patients' ovaries looked like mine. He said I have 16 ready to go and another eight or nine that could be mature by Friday morning. This was praise and news I really needed to hear! I am finally ready to trigger!
My nurse brought me into her office to go over trigger instructions, douching instructions, when to take my medrol, doxy and when DH needs to take his cipro. When she looked at my chart she said, "holy crap! have you seen these numbers? All of your follies are between 16 and 20 you've had a textbook perfect response!" She said she has only very infrequently seen a response this good. I was grinning ear to ear! It felt really good to hear because I was still (stupidly) clinging to the negativity of the NP on Monday. Which, btw, I know is ridiculous but I just haven't been able to shake it.
Insert total side note here, the NP on Monday, also insinuated that I was smoking while stimming. Which, I most certainly am not. I only smoked socially but quit when we started TTC. DH was in the room and still smokes. He is quitting and only smokes a couple cigarettes a day (down from two packs a day). He has an annoying habit of smoking half a cig, putting it out and then putting it in his pack to save for later. It STINKS but I don't say anything because he is working really hard and it's something I am just sucking up because he's been smoking for 20 years and he's having a rough time quitting. Anyway, he had one of those in his pack in his pocket so I'm sure she smelled that but it's pretty obvious it was him and not me. She went on and on, while measuring my follies about how smoking while stimming ruins your eggs, stunts their growth and makes ER almost impossible for the doctors. I told her four times that I don't smoke and quit years ago and she just kept giving me a look that said, yeah right. Grrrrrr, can you tell it's still bugging me?
Anyway (I just needed to get that out), back to today! I'm triggering in a half an hour and ER is at 8:30 on Friday morning! I am excited and anxious to get these eggs out of me. The crappy part is that when my nurse called, she said that my E2 is through the roof. She said it's in line with what they would expect, being that I have so many follies but that they are concerned about OHSS.
OHSS terrifies me. Scares me shitless. So I've been banned from drinking water until further notice, clan only drink gaterade and whey protein shakes and I had to run out to the pharmacy to pick up cabergoline, which I'm to shove up my hoo hah, starting tonight. Hopefully, all that will keep the OHSS at bay. So say a prayer for me or send me some non-OHSS vibes because I am really scared!
Final thought of the night before I run off to trigger. The loss of Rosa Kimberly is weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I pray that her mom and dad find comfort and strength to get through this tragic loss.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
Normally, that wouldn't be too much of a problem but I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, which I just today, realized is from the Lupron. I usually don't get into bed until I am tired and fall asleep within ten minutes. For the last week it has been taking at least an hour for me to fall asleep. Last night I got back up and watched TV for a while and then went back to bed because I was sick of tossing and turning.
At first, I didn't think I was having side effects from the Lupron since I had no headaches and didn't seem to be bloating much. But yesterday, I freaked out over something really small and today my jeans don't fit because of the bloat. For some reason, this is really bothersome to me. I was mentally prepared for side effects that didn't really seem to come last week. Now that they are very noticeable, I am very grumpy about them. (Also probably from the Lupron!)
I am also running out of injectable real estate. Years ago, I was 70 lbs overweight and worked very hard to get down to where I am now but where I am now means I don't have very much flab which means I don't have a lot of places to inject. Since I nicked a blood vessel yesterday, I have a huge bruise on my left side, taking up most of the flabby area I normally inject into. I don't know what I am going to do when I start stims on Saturday! I'll be doing three shots a day, where I am going to poke myself!?!
Despite those little worries, I am looking forward to my baseline and am staying positive that everything is going to look great and I will be able to start stims on Saturday!
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I remember being devastated. I didn't think we would ever get to where we are today. Our business was slowly growing, I didn't even take a paycheck at the time. I couldn't foresee a way for us to afford IVF but I was determined. I let go of my pride, came out of the IF closet and started fund raising and saving. We cut back on EVERYTHING. Cut the cable bill, stopped going out to eat, created a strict budget and stuck to it. We completely changed our lives and looking back (although some times it was really hard) it was so worth it because today, I did my first Lupron injection.
TODAY I AM OFFICIALLY BURNING THE BENCH! After 351 days I am finally cycling again. Finally moving forward with IVF. I'd be nervous if I wasn't so excited. As of this moment I am just letting go and going with the flow. I am not stressing about the what ifs, I am not worrying about whether or not it will work, I am just living in the happy excitement that we are finally doing this!
In other news I got to see the pictures from my surgery today. I had 6 polyps and two of them were pretty big. Also, I had a bunch of extra tissue in there. Apparently my body hasn't been expelling all of my lining each cycle and it's been building up like crazy. It was crazy to see the before pictures, my uterus looked like a mess but the after pictures were amazing, it looks all clean and smooth now! Pretty cool! Hopefully this will give any embies the chance to snuggle in nice and tight and enjoy the cleanliness!
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Surgery went well and I'm so glad it's over. My anxiety last week leading up to it was out of control. Apparently I work up a sobbing ball of pain so they kept me longer to administer extra pain meds and gave me a prescription to take home.
I feel ok today, there's still cramping and pressure but no where near as bad as yesterday. I don't remember anything the doctor said except that he'd show me pictures of everything at my appointment on Tuesday. Hubs was just so happy to hear I was ok, he forgot to ask any questions so we'll have to wait and see on Tuesday what my cervix looked like and how many polyps I had. At least it's over!
Now, I am on to focusing on my lupron injections, doxy and baby aspirin which all start on Tuesday. Yipee!
Thank you to all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
The SIS was pretty painful because apparently I have a lot of calcification on my cervix as well as scar tissue and it was difficult for Dr. W to get the catheter in. He ended up having to kind of shove it in there and it wasn't fun but at least that's over! The calcification is probably from a cervical biopsy I had in my early 20's when I had an abnormal pap. I've never had another since so I've always assumed that they got out whatever abnormal cells there were when they did the biopsy but apparently, they didn't do the greatest job and my cervix is blocked up with the calcification and scar tissue. Also, my RE found polyps when he did the SIS :( So, I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy on May 8th to remove the polyps and he is going to see if he can remove some the scar tissue and calcification from my cervix. Good times! On the plus side, this will make things nice and pretty for an embryo to implant and I'll have three or four weeks of healing time before ET.
My calendar overview went well, although I still don't know exactly what meds I will be on because we have to wait to hear what my compassionate care discount will be. I'm definitely starting 10 untits of Lupron on the 12th and will start stims on the 22nd (I will be on a Lupron protocol). I'm a little bothered by not knowing which meds I'll be using for stims but hopefully I will know by Friday. I know for sure I'll be taking baby Asprin throughout and will be taking Medrol before ET so at least there is something for certain. My nurse said something about ganirelix and menapur but then said "Don't worry about it though, we'll figure it out when we know which discounts you are going to get." I wanted to say, "Have you every met anyone with IF? Don't worry about it?" But I just nodded. I feel a little frustrated because I don't know enough.
I'm also kind of scared and what usually helps me with being scared is when I can be in control and the way I feel in control is if I am armed with knowledge and understanding. Right now, I have a bunch of appointment set up and dates to start different meds but with no idea what those meds will be, I cannot research and feel like I understand everything.
Since we received the grant (YAY) our financial appointment was kind of nice. We're getting a discount of $3k and the discount even applies to cryopreservation and storage so that is pretty cool.
Overall, even though there were a few bumps in the road, everything went well and I am so freaking excited to be moving forward, I wish I just knew a little more!
Monday, April 20, 2015
Eventually, we did come out to our families and have found a lot of support as well as well meaning but hurtful comments and statements but through everything, I had my girls on Then Comes Family and IDOB and it helped take the sting away. Without that support network, I would have lost my mind and now that we are moving on with IVF, I am more grateful than ever to have them; as a sounding board, a source of support and encouragement and a resource of endless knowledge.
Thankfully I learned that I am not alone and neither are you!
You can learn more about Infertility here:
And more about NIAW here:
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I expected to have to go in for an STD panel but was happily surprised when she said that since we just had it done in July, they were going to let us skip it :) Yay! She called in my prescription for BCPs which I am starting today and got me all set up for an SIS, financial consult and calendar overview next Tuesday. The ball is officially rolling, folks!
I wish I could say I am excited but I am not. Now, I am plagued with worry and what ifs. I am excited to be able to join the IVF checkins. I am excited to be moving forward. But I am have this little voice in my head that keeps saying, what if you get a cyst? What if no eggs are retrieved or what if a ton are retrieved but none of them fertilize or none of them make it to 3dt or they make it to 3dt and we decide to wait til 5dt and they all arrest?
I am sure this worry is normal. I have heard many of you express the same concerns. It's scary to do something this big (and this expensive).
DH has a weird calm. He is certain that it is going to work. Absolutely positive. With all of our IUIs he would say: well, babe, if it happens it happens. But not this time. This time he talks about it as if it's a sure thing. At least one of us is feeling excited!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Then, this evening, I got the most exciting email I have ever received. It was from my IVF nurse and included all the info on med discount programs, my tentative schedule, when I'll start BCPs, need blood draws, my SIS... all of it! I was so excited, I just kept staring at the screen with my mouth open and this shocked looked on my face. DH kept saying, What? What are you looking at your screen like that for? until I came out of it and told him. He was excited too!
After a little while, I got kind of a nagging "this isn't really happening" type feeling that replaced the excitement, but I think that's just my brain's way of protecting my heart. Like a defense mechanism, my brain seems to be saying: remember how let down you were when you couldn't do the study? If IVF doesn't work you'll be devastated if you get your hopes up too high. Sometimes I get sad when I think of the person IF has turned me into, one that can't even get excited to be moving forward without having reservations. Worries. Fears.
But, hey, I'm kind of used to that by now, onward and upwards! I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO IVF!!!!!! After 10 months of saving and begging and praying and hoping, we're actually gonna do it! YAY!
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
He said that we may qualify for a grant that the clinic offers, which reduces the cost of cycling by 25%. It's not a ton of money but it's better than nothing. Of course, that does nothing to reduce the cost of medications but he suggested the Compassionate Care program and others like it to help reduce our medication costs. They will be sending the forms for the grant to us tomorrow and I'll probably complete them and get the back in the mailbox the same day I receive them!
Unfortunately, due to the fact that my last SIS was in July, I would have to have another one before we could move forward and the cost is $515 plus, we need to have our STD testing redone because it has been over a year. Thankfully, our insurance may cover the cost of the STD testing so at least there's that.
He said that he thinks we have an excellent chance of being successful at achieving pregnancy with IVF and suggested that we move forward as soon as possible with retrieval and transfer at the end of May, beginning of June because he's concerned about my age and endometriosis. So, we have some decisions to make: pull money from our retirement or try for a loan we probably won't get. I'm really torn. I really don't want to pull money from our retirement. It scares me. I've always thought of that money as money that doesn't even exist, money that we need for our future that is not to be touched but really, how else are we supposed to do this? It makes me sad that money has to be such a big factor in our ability to conceive a child. I hate it.
Overall, I am happy with our conversation. I feel like we are finally going to be moving forward and hopefully we will get the grant from the clinic and will be able to cycle next month. This time, though, I am not getting my hopes up or even allowing myself to get excited. It just hurt too much when I was let down last time. So for now, I will be incredibly cautiously optimistic that things might work out!
Friday, March 27, 2015
I'll be talking with my RE on Wednesday to see if he can offer any discounts or has any ideas on how we can decrease the costs of IVF. DH told me last night that I should just tell the RE that we are going to move forward and we'll just pull the money out of our retirement. Part of me wants to just do it but part of me is really nervous about pulling money from our retirement. Plus, I keep thinking, why am I going to work a second job if we are just going to pull money out of retirement? Ugh. We'll figure it out. We always do. I am so looking forward to just being able to do IVF and try for a baby.
The other thing that has been happening is that I have had NO sex drive at all. It's been since we found out that the study was closing early (back at the beginning of March). Sex just reminds me that for us, sex isn't for baby making. I feel bad about it. DH and I have always had a very active sex life and I know that it's frustrating for him to go from sex every day or every other day for 14 years to sex once a week. He is so good though, he hasn't said anything, except for a couple of comments about being able to tell that I am sad, so at least I am not being guilt tripped about my lack of interest in sex! I plan on making an effort this weekend to focus on us, rather than relating sex to babies in my mind. Isn't that funny? Most people worry about sex getting them pregnant, I'm avoiding sex because I know it won't! IF brain just makes everything so complicated. :(
Monday, March 23, 2015
In the meantime, I started my orientation for my second job today and was immediately faced with the problem of not being able to hear the audio. I bought special headphones just for this occasion and nothing would work! Thankfully, there's another orientation today at 1 pm. Hopefully, I will have the audio situation figured out by then.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
I've never wanted to see a bleed so freaking much in my life. Finally, I am getting closer to AF and will be able to call Monday morning to find out for sure whether or not the study is closed. I fully expect it to be, but I just need to hear it.
I've taken a step towards moving on from the study and decided to apply for a second job. It's kind of crazy because it's not like I don't already have enough on my plate with running my own company and taking care of our ranch and all our animals, but I decided that the only way we are going to get closer to doing IVF at the speed in which I want to get there, is to do this.
It's a work-from-home job, so I can simultaneously run my company while working four hours a day for this new company. It's not an easy job but the hours are very flexible and it will help bring us closer to being able to afford IVF AND I just found out that I not only got the job but was offered a position that is a step up from the one for which I applied! I start training on Monday and I am pretty excited. I had to sign an NDA but I can say that it is for a major internet search engine and I will be doing back end search engine analysis type stuff.
Things are looking up!
Today is the start of March, 2015's International Comment Leaving Week or ICLW.
Welcome, if you have never been here before, and welcome back if you are joining us again! I haven't participated since October, because my blog reading and writing died off a bit. We weren't cycling anymore so every post felt like I was regurgitating the same things. Also, I had to lay off my sales manager and take on his duties which took some getting used to!
So, where are we now? Well, we tried to get into an IVF study, but after getting preliminary accepted, we found out they were closing the study early. Truthfully, I was heartbroken; it seemed like that would be our only chance, but as it always goes with IF, I carried on. We are still saving and fund raising to try and save enough money to do our first IVF cycle. We try on our own, every cycle, but with a blocked tube and scar tissue from endo and my laps, we don't get too hopeful. In fact, I don't even prematurely test anymore, which is probably a good thing because it was getting to be an addiction.
So, welcome! Take a look around, check out some posts and leave a comment so I know you were here and can follow your journey as well!
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
I'm also a little scared to call. I'm scared to have this one shred of hope taken away from me. Half of me just wants to know for sure that it is closed and that this avenue is definitely not available to me. Half of me is bargaining with God and praying that it isn't closed. Can't I just catch one little break? Puh-leeze!?!
Keep everything crossed for me that AF shows up tomorrow. At least then we'll know.
Friday, March 13, 2015
So, a quick recap for those who don't know: A little over two months ago I jumped on TD, what I considered to be my biggest support network in addition to IDOB, to chat with my girls and read updates on where everyone is on their journeys. Upon logging on, I realized that our ever wonderful leader, NariaDreaming, had been banned. I was shocked, as was everyone else. A pillar of our community, just gone? Upon doing some sleuthing, I discovered that other beloved mods had been banned as well. I had an idea of where to find Naria so I tracked her down. Basically, (the totally short and incomplete version) TD decided that they didn't appreciate constructive feedback from their mods and banned them and some members without warning. It caused a huge uproar in the community and prompted a mass exodus across the entire forum. A few weeks later, those that stayed behind and straddled both boards to help direct members to our new place and to offer support to Newbies, also let completely when TD had some kind of glitch that changed some screen names to people's IRL names. The place that we all trusted and considered home had betrayed our trust and hurt our own, so we left!
Where did we all go? Well, due to the amazing foresight and awesomeness of Naria, she created a new home for us on ProBoards, originally called GCBC or Goodbye Cruel Bump. Literally thousands of women jumped ship. For people like me, who don't do change, it was an oddly smooth transition because we all moved together.
Now, this community, which is 7500+ strong is becoming permanent and even has plans to build a website with community driven content to offer information, advice and support to everyone. The new name? Then Comes Family. You can find it here: www.thencomesfamily.com/community It is a fast growing online community for everyone from people just thinking about starting a family to parents and those living CLNBC and everything in between. There are literally boards for everyone. So if you haven't already, come join us!
Monday, March 9, 2015
On Friday, I got a phone call from our new clinic. When I looked at the caller ID, I got excited because I figured they were calling me to give me more info to get the ball rolling. I was wrong. The conversation went something like this:
Clinic: Hi! This is Pamela from NCRM, how are you?
Clinic: I am calling to let you know that we've reached our cap for IVF patients for March.
Me: Oh, ok, well Dr. W told me to call when I got my period at the end of March, is that still ok?
Clinic: Yes! But it looks like you were interested in the IVF study, I just need to let you know that you'll probably have to consider doing IVF in April without the study.
Me: Wait, what? We can't afford to do it without the study!
Clinic: I'm so sorry, it's just that we just received word that they are planning to close the study early. Me: It's not going to close on the 30th? (quiet tears)
Clinic: Well, you can still call after your next period to see but the study will most likely be closed before the 30th.
Me: Oh my gosh. (totally crying and can't get any other words out)
Clinic: I'm so sorry.
Me: Ok (because it was all I could get out)
Clinic: Still call though, ok? Just be prepared that the study is closing early.
Me: Ok, thank you.
Clinic: You're welcome, sorry for the bad news.
And that was it. I felt like someone put a vice grip on my heart and DH just grabbed me and held me while I cried. For a long time. I spent most of the day Friday crying. I just couldn't stop. I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was mad at myself for not considering the possibility of the study closing early. I cried because I lost the chance to try.
Saturday morning when I woke up, I thought I felt a little better but the feelings of missing out on the study came flooding back and kinda ruined my day. I was better but not back to normal. I was still grieving. In the evening, DH suggested that we watch Horrible Bosses 2, which was hilarious and lightened both of our moods.
Sunday morning, I decided I needed to get my head back in the game. There is a tiny chance we could get in the study and if we can't, I just need to get back to my pre-study chance frame of mind. This is not the worst thing that could happen to me. So many of my friends have been through so much worse. This is just a bump in the road.
The only thing that keeps lingering is that fact that we have so far to go to save up for treatment. Saving for IVF has been so frustrating. At one point we were up to half of what we needed and then a horse got sick and we had a 1k vet bill, then another horse got sick and then a goat. Having the vet out to the ranch is really expensive and each time they came out, or savings took a hit. Then, we lost our dog, Saphira and then we loaned a small amount to a family member, who will pay us back but still, it's gone for the moment.
For now, I am holding my head up high and moving forward. It's all I can do. I'll keep saving and fund raising and maybe we'll get there someday.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
I am glad I read about it though so I know what to expect. The first appointment will determine whether or not I have the proper diagnosis to be included in the study. Thankfully, I've been through all the initial testing before so I should be ok unless there is some surprise in the notes from my first RE that I don't know about. If all goes well at that appointment (Tuesday), they will have to do another SA for DH and cd3 bloodwork and a u/s for me. They'll be looking at my FSH levels and I will have to have between 10 and 20 follies at my cd 3 u/s. Fingers crossed I will be ok there too because they are looking for an FSH under 12, which I have always been, and the fewest follies I've had at a cd 3 u/s is 11. If everything looks good at that point, I'll be accepted into the study and will get started with my protocol immediately because the study ends at the end of March.
At the moment, I am excited and optimistic but that usually changes every other hour so I'm sure I'll be back to worrying in no time!
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I looked up the trial and called the clinic closest to me about the trial. The receptionist asked me a ton of questions, put me on hold forever and came back and said that she talked to the person in charge of the trial and that she said to get me a consult appointment right away! The first appointment they had available that I could make is the 17th, so the 17th it is!
It turns out that the clinical trial ends at the end of March so, if I qualify, I would start Lupron in a couple weeks and then start stimming right after my birthday! Of course, I am getting ahead of myself. First, I need to be sure I qualify for the trial. I have read over the disqualifications and I think I will be ok, but obviously that will be up to the doctor and study people (I am picturing a bunch of people in white coats, standing around holding clipboards). The cost of stims is covered and the cost of IVF is halved if I am able to participate, which we could almost manage with the contributions we have had so far and our savings. My mom and dad and sister have offered to help with what we cannot manage.
I'm trying not to get excited. I keep reminding myself that this is by no means a guaranteed shot. I may not qualify. If I qualify, things might not go well, what if I don't respond to this medication? What if I overstim or am cancelled? But excitement keeps creeping in and I can barely contain myself at the thought that we might actually get a chance to have our chance!
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
DH and I are still trying naturally, although it's cd3 so obviously it hasn't been working, and I'm diligently taking all my vitamins and supplements and have managed to stick with the ISWTE diet for the most part.
My 35th birthday is coming up in a month and I am not looking forward to it. Everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday and all I keep thinking is: a few years back? For my eggs to stop aging? For me NOT to be 35? I try not to think about it but I'm about to be welcomed into the AMA world and I'm not looking forward to it.
At least I have gotten over the fact that we aren't doing IVF before I am 35 like I wanted. It's just not gonna happen no matter how much we scrimp and save. Hopefully, the things that I have planned in the next six months will bring in the income we need to be able to do IVF this summer. Hopefully.
So that's really it in my world! Work, take care of my animals and husband, try to have a miracle baby and save for IVF.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Since reading the book, we have eliminated all plastic cups and food storage containers, changed all of our cleaning products, changed all of our personal care products including makeup, soap, shampoo and deodorant and changed our diet. I'm also taking the right kind of CoQ10 in addition to my PNVs and Pregnitude.
Overall, the changes haven't been too hard, changing our diet meant learning a lot of new recipes but that is actually fun. The only real challenge I have had is with Shampoo. I went super crunchy and in an attempt to save money, I bought castille soap online and made my own shampoo. I do not recommend this. My hair was ok after the first washing and I figured it wasn't a big deal. I could handle it. I could not. After the second washing, my hair felt coated in wax. By the third washing, it was a waxy tangled mess. If I had short hair, I could probably get away with it but my hair is very long, down to the middle of my back long and my castile soap shampoo was not gonna work. So, I ordered some Burt's Bees shampoo and it is much better. My mom promised me some honest company stuff for my birthday too so I'll have that as an alternative.
I'm on my way to making good eggies for IVF. Even if these changes don't make a huge difference, at least I'll know I did everything I could!